Thursday, May 27, 2010

Life On Twitter: 6 Months of Random Inanity I (December-January)

So I couldn't figure out what I've been doing for the last six months. The time seems to have sort of... slipped behind the couch or something.

Then it occurred to me that I actually had a resource to help me find out what I've been doing day to day - something I haven't had since I was 8 and diligently kept a diary of every trudging, mind-numbing thing I did because it all seemed so AWESOME at the time.

I took me about 7 hours to get through all 2,350 of my Tweets, and I've distilled some of the more interesting/informative/funny ones for posterity, and hopefully enjoyment.

And hey, if anyone can figure out what the hell I've actually been doing, could you let me know?

DECEMBER:

Jeebus help us all - I'm Twittering. 140 characters of mindlessness, here I come. 8:59 PM Dec 19th, 2009 via web

Watching Bitch Slap; realising just how comfortable I am with boob-sploitation. Thank god I have a vagina or I'd be a total pervert 12:54 PM Dec 20th, 2009 via web

Like queers, there are no carbon-copy Christians. Unlike queers, Christians generally have shit hair. 1:26 PM Dec 20th, 2009 via web

Time spent on Twitter = directly proportionate to how late I am to meet people. Damned teknologees. 2:02 PM Dec 20th, 2009 via web

Got halfway through polishing wooden floors when cats started sliding around & falling over. Started laughing; Can't stop. Please send help. 1:57 AM Dec 21st, 2009 via web

Have you ever thought: "I could be really hot in prison"? No? Just me then? 12:30 PM Dec 21st, 2009 via web

Society proud of Asher Roth's gay lifestyle, less pleased about his status as white rapper. 3:18 PM Dec 21st, 2009 via web

Still have not left for coast, but have perused many funny pictures of cats. Score 1 for humorous procrastination. 4:10 PM Dec 21st, 2009 via web

Random acts of indecent exposure. 7:18 AM Dec 22nd, 2009 via web

Wagga Wagga: Less "big name, small town", more "big name, small-man complex". If this town had a penis it'd be inverted. 11:04 PM Dec 22nd, 2009 via web

Despite the Dickensian efforts of the grandparents, I am back on the grid. Please address all fan mail to my vagina. 6:17 PM Dec 29th, 2009 via web

You can never have too much mastication. Never. 6:58 PM Dec 29th, 2009 via web

Dear #lesbian nation: When I say I want to reach out to you, I mean with my vagina. Love, Naked Girl. 7:23 PM Dec 29th, 2009 via web

Avatar: Smurfs for adults. If I was watching smurfs for adults, I'd want them to be doing porn. 1:47 PM Dec 31st, 2009 via web

Predictions for 2010: 1. Sun rises in west, sets in east 2. World tilts on axis, people fall into Mercury 3. Sarah Palin becomes a #lesbian. 7:39 PM Dec 31st, 2009 via web

JANUARY:

2010 feels firm, yet supple, and quite boobilicious. 1:30 AM Jan 1st via web

Kicked off 2010 by wandering the house in my jammies and resolving not to shower today. All-in-all, a successful year so far. 7:30 PM Jan 1st via web

Welcome, Americans, to the future. Guess what - we have flying cars now. How cool is 2010? #HappyNewYear #lesbian 8:16 PM Jan 1st via web

Woke up still wearing my socks and with the distinct impression I had been wandering during the night. Warrant evasion skills ACTIVATE 12:19 PM Jan 2nd via web

All of my lesbians are barn-laid and totally free-rage. It keeps the meat from going stringy. #lesbian 5:59 PM Jan 2nd via web

Cricket is NOT a sport. In sport, there are no Takesie-Backsies. 4:38 AM Jan 3rd via web

Cunnilingfast: The frenzied sex you have after an extend period of #lesbian drought. 7:58 AM Jan 3rd via web

The Age explaining lolspeak: Strangely akin to the horror of your Grandfather learning definition of Camel Toe. Then using it in a sentence 12:09 PM Jan 3rd via web

Bug just died in my tea. Figure that makes it more realistically organic; will drink it anyway. 12:36 AM Jan 4th via web

Back home, sitting in a circle of friends drinking beer. Oh Melbourne Town, if I could hug you with my vagina, I would. 8:26 PM Jan 8th via web

Life without internet = me rocking helplessly in darkness of house, dishevelled and hungry. Ate a dishcloth. Send help. 2:31 PM Jan 12th via web

1:30am; at Maccas for wifi. Hi, rock bottom - I've come to join you. 1:37 AM Jan 14th via web

Viewing naked pictures of myself. Thanks Mum. (Wow. That was the most uncomfortable sentence ever.) 6:08 PM Jan 14th via web

My schedule is open like a wanton whore. 10:24 PM Jan 15th via web

Trying to reconcile brain &; vagina - Ang Jolie as Kay Scarpetta? Do I throw things or masturbate? I'll try both. #lesbian 11:35 PM Jan 15th via web

I find the idea to "go lesbian" (adj) foul. I prefer it as a "place". Go “to” lesbian. Like Toronto, but w/ more cunnilingus. 1:18 PM Jan 16th via web

Can gays raise healthy kids? Of course. We're gays. We will only eat the finest organic produce. 5:28 PM Jan 16th via web

Was I implying we gays eat children? Why yes, yes I was. But only for their youth-enhancing properties. 5:38 PM Jan 16th via web

Even when the wit falls flat, my boobs are always perky. 7:19 PM Jan 16th via web

Have eaten everything in my house but a can of passionfruit pulp and some casserole bases. Looking for a spoon now. 2:25 AM Jan 20th via web
 

There's something so liberating about hanging out all day in your undies. 1:52 AM Jan 22nd via web 

Had HUGE problems posting housemate ad on #gumtree . Finally realised it wouldn't let me use the word Nazi. Spoilsports. 5:42 PM Jan 25th via web

They say kibble is bad for humans, but it does keep my kitties sleek and shiny - might be worth a try. 5:47 PM Jan 25th via TweetDeck

It's bright, shiny and warm and seems to be coming from the sky. I don't trust it. Seems dodgy. 5:47 PM Jan 25th via TweetDeck

Tried the candy. Damned kid still wouldn't get in my car. 6:37 PM Jan 25th via TweetDeck

Love hurts. This has been a Public Service Announcement. 12:51 AM Jan 27th via TweetDeck

Don't Ask, Don't Tell me about fucking equality until you make it goddamn happen. 5:29 AM Jan 27th via web

Yelling and random pointing is how I like to get my news. 8:39 PM Jan 28th via web

Her leg pushed between Sam’s thighs and she arched into it uncontrollably, a sharp buck that made them both shudder... 5:58 PM Jan 29th via web

Time cannot be stopped. Every moment is perishable. 6:11 PM Jan 29th via web

Decided to give in and go official with my long-term relationships. With episodic TV characters. 6:48 PM Jan 29th via web

1: Buy gin. 2: Drink gin. 3: ??? 4: Profit! 1:01 AM Jan 30th via web

I do my early rising from the other direction. I find it's easier to be a morning person when you haven't slept yet. 5:10 AM Jan 30th via web
 

I HEART Captain Planet. 6:33 AM Jan 30th via web

So I'm wondering, what's with vibrating dildos? Does anyone actually enjoy internal vibration? Happy 8am! 8:08 AM Jan 30th via web


Something's on fire in Coburg. Smells like pine and rubber. Sirens ahoy. Time for marshmellows? 5:31 PM Jan 30th via TweetDeck

Consecutive hour of wakefulness #43. Guess last hour was answer to life, the universe & everything. Whoops, missed it 9:17 PM Jan 30th via web

Actually kinda enjoying sleepless delirium. It's like having a dinner party in my head, but all the guests are on crack. 2:03 AM Jan 31st via web

No one likes the word 'discharge'. 2:58 AM Jan 31st via web

NEXT: FEBRUARY-MARCH

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